My email is set so the unread emails stay at the top and each time I checked it this email stared at me, forcing me to make a decision about the life of this blog. I opened it a number of times, closing it shortly after and clicking "mark as unread" each time, as if putting off the decision would somehow mean I wouldn't need to think about it or acknowledge that I haven't been putting any effort at all into it.
The renewal date has passed and I paid it. It was cheap after all. It's not much to shell out to have my own corner of the internet. It did get me thinking though, about my time, my priorities and why the hell I haven't been here squeeing it up. There are a few reasons.
It's not cool, I know, but I regularly compare myself to other bloggers and writers... I catch myself thinking "we all have the same number of hours in the day so it's not a very good excuse for not doing what you want/said you'd do/think you should do. Other great bloggers have lots of other things to do and they still manage to post decent content regularly, what is wrong with you?!"
That kind of thinking just puts me in a black hole, it's useless. I have been spending my time on other things and that is actually ok. It's really very fine and completely ok that I have not made time for blogging and it is just dandy that I like to pop in occasionally to share things. I am not a famous blogger (well duh!) and I have no obligation to sponsors or regular readers (hello? anyone there?) so it seems perfectly fitting that I do it how I want. And for now, it's sporadic and maybe just a little bit crap.
I have stopped wanting blog awards and sponsorship. I don't want to drive a car around and write about it. I haven't got time for more things. I have time for my family, my job, getting healthy again and uni. And I sometimes have a little extra time to do creative things like crochet or spray painting things (that's my new favourite thing!) and I might, just might, find the time to write about some of those things here.
But it's ok if I don't.
There are other reasons too. I have lots of things I want to say but I don't feel this is a really safe place for my honesty and to hold some pretty full on things. Things to do with foster parenting, relationships, politics and my health are very personal and while I am actually desperate to share them I need to be careful with whom I share. So for now, here is not the place.
We shall see what becomes of The Squee. Nice rhyme huh?
So that said, I'm off to take a cake out of the oven (banana cake... I also made banana muffins and banana biscuits. Guess whose husband went dumpster diving last night?!)
